I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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