i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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