my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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