Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
