Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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