the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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