pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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