I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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