I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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