dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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