i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
