remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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