What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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