does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I FOUND THE LEGS
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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