he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
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How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
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I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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