whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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