I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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