when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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