I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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