I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
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Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
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Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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