A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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