just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
