your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
