it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
