im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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