nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
