just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.