took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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