every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.