She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
