so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
