I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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