Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
