i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
