im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
