I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
