OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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