You just made me feel so damn special
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
