So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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