im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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