Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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