how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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