How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
