guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I have fence marks all over my body
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
