How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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