I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
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