Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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