I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
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Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
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Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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