If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
