eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
