I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
