This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
