atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus