i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
