I accidentally had phone sex last night
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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