I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
