Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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