Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
