Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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